Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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