Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Pants are for mortals
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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