RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
