Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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