You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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