No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
