she was so not down for the gang bang
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
