dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
