your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.