Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.