apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
