her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
