I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
