Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
