Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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