I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
