we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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