Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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