dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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