Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Randomize
