with your own penis?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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