there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sobbing to NWA
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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