I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
