ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
