I molested 6 butterflies tonight
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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