I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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