I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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