he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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