mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
