Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
