My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
