this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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