just tell him i said nine months
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
