There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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