Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize