thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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