I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
