Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
You can't motorboat a personality
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
