Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
