So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
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well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
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Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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