hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
