ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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