I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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