I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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