there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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