i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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