MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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