I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
