Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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