The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We left the knife in your bed.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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