Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
