I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
