I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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