i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
