4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
