I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
