I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
