So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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