dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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