first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
