Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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