I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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