I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
