there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
