He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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